Trenton James Papineau

On October 25, 2008 it was a normal day, I had made a pumpkin pie, cleaned the house and played with
my 2 year old son all day. We had tacos for dinner and watched a movie that night. I had felt my
baby boy move all day. My 2 year old son Zander was sitting on my lap and the boy inside my belly
was kicking like crazy. I put Zanders hand on my belly and said your baby brother is going to kick
you and he did, Zander pulled his hand away and said "eeew". Zander fell asleep on my lap that night
in the chair and I carried him upstairs to bed. I went to sleep and woke up with pains/cramps in my
belly. I rolled over thinking it was how I was sleeping and it would go away. They continued so I
got up and came downstairs for a glass of water. When I got downstairs my stomache hurt so I went
into the bathroom, I had diareah and saw blood. I immediatley contacted my dr and she told me to
meet her at the hospital. I ran upstairs and told my husband that I was bleeding and going to the
hospital our son was in bed and I was trying to get someone to come be with him so he could come to
the hospital. I got ahold of my one sister and she made all the other phone calls (other sisters and
parents). I drove myself to the hospital crying the whole way talking to my baby boy telling him it
was too early to come as I was only 25 weeks pregnant.

My Dr arrived shortly at the hospital after I did and another OB was there and I heard them talking
about mercy flying me to Buffalo to a womens and children hospital. I was checked and confirmed that
I was already in full blown labor and 10cm dialated. I began crying hysterically because I knew it
was too soon for my baby boy to arrive. They then called for mercy flight to come get my boy after
he was delivered and mercy flight wouldnt come out as it was too foggy. So they called to have an
ambulance drive from buffalo which is an hr and 1/2 drive. My sister showed up, then my parents and
then my husband and I remember seeing the fear in his eyes and him saying its way too early several
times. The ultrasound tech came in and confirmed that my baby boy was breach and I would need an
emergency c-section. My contractions kept getting stronger and I could feel my son getting closer to
coming out. The Ob that was there wouldnt operate immediatley he wanted to wait for Buffalo to show
up at our hospital. They took me to the Or and was waiting and my contractions were getting closer
and I finally told my dr I could feel baby coming they needed to take him now. The surgeon Ob came
in and checked me and said you need to put her out now. I remember thoughts of my precious baby boys
face before I was under.

My baby boy was born at 2:54am on 10/26/2008 and weighed 1pound 12ounces and was 13 and 1/4inches
long. When I awoke from surgery I was in pain but the first thing I asked was hows my baby wheres my
baby? The nurses told me he was stable and buffalo was there to take him to a hospital that was an
hr and 1/2 away. I began to cry I just wanted to see him and hold him and hear him cry. They took me
by the nursery where he was so I could see him but I couldnt really see him so they told me they
would bring him to my room before they left. They brought my baby boy to my room and he was so tiny.
I reached my hand in there and his hands were so tiny. His hand just fit around my pinky. I cried
and told my lil baby that I loved him and to stay strong after maybe 2 minutes with my son they took
him away. I cried and continued to cry I felt so alone and empty as the life inside of me was just
torn out. My husband, father and sister were in the room with me and I told my husband we needed to
name him and cried even more. My husband came up with the name Trenton and I said Trenton James.
Everyone went home as it was like 5:30 to 6am then and I tried to get some sleep.

Later that day 10/26/2008. I received a call from the Buffalo hospital to tell me that Trentons
Ultrasound of his head came back normal and that his vitals were stable and asked for permission to
give my baby blood transfusions as he wasnt replacing the blood they were taking out of him. They
stated they would continue to do unltrasounds to make sure everything was ok with him. None of this
sounded good to me and I felt so helpless and like I needed to be with my baby so he could maybe
feel my love and get stronger. My husband drove to see him and spent some time with him that day.
The next day 10/27/2008 I got a phone call from the NICU in bufallo. They asked if my husband was
there with me and I stated no. So they proceeded to tell me that my baby boys ultrasound did not
come back good I began to cry hysterically they said he had a stage IV brain bleed which is the most
severe. They werent sure where it was coming from and were trying to stop it. They stated if it
continued to bleed it would cause brain damage and they give the parents the option to take them off
of life support. I called my husband and told him the news and a few minutes later he sent me a text
saying "dont give up hope". I was devistated, and couldnt even think of taking my precious boy off
of life support. I cried most of the day/night after talking to them. I called the hospital in
Buffalo and asked them if it was ok for my sister to go to Buffalo and see my son and they let her.
My sister "layed hands" on my baby boy and prayed for him and prayed with him. That made me feel a
little bit better and I prayed and hoped that there would be a miracle that my precious boy would
make it through this. That night my dr came in to see me and talked with me and I told her the
news. She asked me if I wanted to be discharged in the morning and told me if I was not to overdue
it. I told her yes I wanted to go see my baby boy.

The next morning they came in at 8:30am and started the discharge procces and I did not get out of
the hospital until 12 noon. We went home and I had lunch with my 2 yr old then my sister came and
took him so I could go be with Trenton. my husband drove me and about 1/2 way there I got a call
from my sister and Buffalo hospital had called her and were trying to get ahold of me. I was hoping
it would be good news that the bleed was gone and was so nervous after the call. My husband tried to
talk to me to think positive thoughts but I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomache. When we
arrived at my babys incubator they came right over to us and told us we needed to sit down. I began
to cry and I looked at them and told them they needed to tell me and the guy was silent and said he
was going to get the other dr. They came and told us the bleeding was more severe and had caused
seizures and that Trentons brain was already damaged. The dr talked with us for a long while about
the possible outcomes if Trenton was to stay alive. They said that baby Trenton could stay alive
forever on the ventilator but would never be able to walk would have limited use of his upper limbs
if any at all. They explained that he would probably never be able to see or hear because of the
bleed. I was crying hysterically and held my hand on my baby boys leg and just continued to tell him
how mommy loved him. My baby was heavily sedated but was still seizing. My husband asked the dr what
he would do and he said " my heart would say not but my brain would say yes". I decided that there
was not much I could do at the hospital so my husband and I drove home. On the way home we talked
about Trenton and what we felt would be best for him. We thought we were damned if we did and damned
if we didnt that both decisions were way too hard. We discussed how much Trenton would be suffering
and how much that would also put our 2 yr old son through as well as us as parents. Both of us have
to work to make it financially. I broke down and cried and said what kind of mother am I to take my
baby off the ventilator but I could just see how he was suffering when he was seizing and his head
was swollen. I called my parents and 3 sisters and asked them to meet us at our house.

When we arrived home everyone was there. I walked in and broke down crying. I explained to my family
that Trenton was now seizing and his brain bleed was worse. I told them what the Dr told us Trentons
outcome and that we have decided to take him off of life support so he would not have to continue
suffering from the bleed and the seizures. My husbands mom was coming from Ct on Wensday 10/29/08 so
she could see her grandson. I woke up extremely sore and decided to stay home with my 2 yr old son
that day as I didnt hink I could handle the trip to Buffalo and we wanted to wait for hubbys mom to
get in so I contacted the hospital to see how my baby was doing and they said he was still heavily
sedated and needed another transfusion that morning. I asked the nurse to put the phone to baby
Trentons ear so I could tell him I loved him. I cried that whole day knowing I was going to Buffalo
the next day to end my babys life.

My Sisters and mother and cousin decided to all go to Buffalo with me on Thursday 10/30/2008 for
support and so they could meet Trenton. Everyone showed up at my house around 9:30am and we left for
Buffalo. When we arrived at Buffalo my precious baby boys head was twice the size it was when I was
there on Tuesday. The nurse contacted the Dr and he showed us his ultrasound pictures from that
morning and the bleed was even more severe and where it had caused damage. I stayed there and
watched my baby seize a few times and could not handle it anymore so we told the Dr what we had
decided. They set up a private room for us and brought baby Trenton to me. I held him admired him
and told him it was ok to go so he did not have to suffer anymore. Trenton took his last breath
approximatley 40 minutes after they took him off the ventilator but his little heart did not stop
beating until about an hour and 40 minutes after we took him off.

Baby Trentons life was a short one but he made a huge impact on me. There is not a day that goes by
that I dont think of him and cry because I miss him. Mommy will always love you baby Trenton
10-26-2008 to 10-30-2008. My baby boy was laid to rest on November 3rd, 2008. RIP lil guy I love
you...

Now that I have went through this and continue to endure the heartache that I do not think will ever
go away I have so many feelings and emotions. I am angry that this happened to me, and even
sometimes mad at god and wonder if there even is a god because why would they let this happen to me.
I have felt lonely, selfish, guilty, sad, mad, devistated, frustrated and of course like there is a
huge hole in my heart. I have searched the internet and looked for reasons as to why I went into
labor so early. I have blamed myself for putting my baby boy Trenton through the suffering and pain
he went through. I go to the grocery store and see young "teens" with babies and any mother with a
newborn baby and I have all I can do to not cry and wonder why they deserved it and I didnt? There
are several people I know in this world that have kids who can not take care of them but yet are
allowed and continued to give birth to 4, 5, or even 6 children and they arent even the ones
supporting them financially the rest of us are. How is this fair? How come my baby boy was taken
from me when we are good parents and can take care of our kids financially. It just doesnt seem fair
and I hope that I can get over this resentment soon and am able to walk through a grocery store or
into my drs office without having a break down because I seen a baby and miss mine.

My 2 year old son is enduring the pain of loss too allthough he may not understand exactly what is
going on he knows that there is something. He will pat my belly and say "baby bye bye". He is a
little calmer. Zander will sit on my lap and put his hands on his face and say "you ok mommy?" He
will sniffle and rub my arms/back or shoulder and say "dont cry mommy". He shouldnt have to be going
through any of this but he has too. My sister Wendy bought a prayer doll for Baby Trenton which
Zander saw in the hospital and held it close and "sniffled and cried and crawled up on my moms lap.
The prayer doll is now Zanders and he will carry it around and hug it and kiss it and say "my baby".
Zander the first few nights after baby Trenton passed would crawl up on my chest and cry himself to
sleep and I had to sleep with him like that because if I tried to move him off of me he screamed.
Now I have to hold him while he falls asleep and he wont sleep alone.

For those of you wondering why I would post pictures its because there are family and friends that
were never able to see or meet Trenton and Looking at these pictures helps me cope and deal with
life without him because even though he is not here with me I still have the pictures and the huge
hole in my heart from Trenton being taken away too soon.

Trenton will be greatly missed but always alive and loved in our hearts.

Trenton James Papineau was born on October 26, 2008 and left us on October 30, 2008 at the age of 4
days, and was laid to rest 11-3-2008 (day after mommies birthday). Rest in peace lil man mommy loves
you